TAX (The Amateur Open)
A word from the Bogeyman, woman & captain
March 2022, Taupo Amateurs 9: a rumour circulates around the camp. The seed is planted. 2023 will be different. The Green Beret’s will be allowed to wallow in their defeat for another year. It is yet to be seen if their catering effort was worth the wait. The twinkle in the committee members’ eyes cannot be missed. 2023 will be the year of the Inaugural Amateurs Open, TAX.
Throughout 2022 and into 2023 the committee labour tirelessly on the new format, a controversial but highly anticipated break from the standard Amateurs tournament – the first ever Open event, where any golfer of dubious quality with tenuous links to the Amateurs’ Originals is invited to compete for both individual glory, and for the magnificence of the team prize, the Amateurs’ Ashes.
A website is created, countless WhatsApp messages are sent, (many ignored), groups jostle for players, a hype video is created, an agreement is reached with Ironman NZ around scheduling, and eventually we all arrive in Taupo to participate in this highly anticipated event.
Friday 10 March, The Turangi Rumble, Individuals Event
A stormy and unsettled day unfolds, indicative of the nerves of the 45ish competitors for the Turangi Rumble, all of who are here today to battle for individual glory, and to take home the prestigious belt.
The gist of The Turangi Rumble is that one or more players is eliminated on each hole until only two remain, with the winner decided by a final showdown of Bingo, Bongo, Bango. Players should not try to understand the mechanics behind the algorithm required to run the rumble, rumour has it that the committee involved their friend Elon to assist with writing the required code.
Some great golf was seen through challenging weather conditions, leading to a final showdown between Chris Mahoney and Nicholas MacAvoy which culminated in Nicholas MacAvoy being crowned the champion and new belt holder.
The Turangi Rumble has produced a positive outcome for the Turangi community, resulting from the Blue Ball aspect of the competition, with the club committee agreeing to erect the “RJR Graham Blue Ball Hitchhiking Shelter” on State Highway 1 for the benefit of future generations, following Rob’s annual disappearing act with the blue ball.
That evening the Champions’ Dinner was held, where The Ashes were produced to complete the prize for the following day. This highly emotional and exclusive event is steeped in secrecy, so no more detail can be provided in these pages.
Saturday 11 March – TAX – The Open, Teams Event
The Sun rose over the still waters of Lake Taupo, a stunning March day with light winds, providing perfect conditions for the Open. Teams nervously gathered at Turangi Golf Course, parading their team outfits, ready for the highly anticipated competition to begin.
A Shotgun start with a cruel stroke of administrative genius saw Lance Watson, the anchor of the Jarsemen attack wing, starting on the 10th Hole par 3. Unflustered by the past demons of this hole, he put away an easy par and a great day was underway.
Golfing conditions were perfect, the course was in great condition and playing well. A unique challenge on each hole added to the atmosphere and levelled the playing field, with highlights including the Billiard Table (Hole 2), Spin for Victory (Hole 6), The Lundy (Hole 9), Blue Balls (Hole 13) and the Shortest Drive (Hole 17), where we all had the opportunity to have a hit with one of Ant Howard’s original clubs.
A huge thanks must go to the catering team for the tasty spread on the 10th, a highlight of the day for many of the players. Due to some slow play by teams that will not be named, Prizegiving was deferred to the evening session at 2 Mile Bay Sailing Club. Thanks very much to Turangi Golf Club for hosting us, and for the excellent catering and bar service, especially from the Duty Manager Gabriel Matthews – a great bartender with a great name.
That evening the afterparty and celebration of the Taupo Amateurs’ O.G Tom Howard’s 40th Birthday took place at the 2 Mile Bay Sailing Club. An absolutely splendid evening was had by all, with several after-after-parties continuing well into the night.
Congratulations to the Kikorangi Snorters, taking out the event with a phenomenal 13 under par, comfortably crushing the second place Fore Squares by 7 Strokes, and regretfully 60 strokes ahead of the last place Jarsemen.
Congratulations must also go to the Fore Squares, the winners of The Open’s Best Dressed competition, and to the winners of the numerous hole prizes that were dished out thanks to our generous sponsors.
Happy Birthday Tom, what a way to celebrate, and a huge thanks to the committee and their families for another sensational weekend, an absolute highlight of the annual calendar. The enormous effort you all go to is really appreciated.
We look forward to TAXI, which will no doubt build again on this sensational tournament which continues to go from strength to strength!
Matthew James Gabriel
Jarsemen Captain – Last Place, Inaugural Amateurs Open 2023
Big Whero Spiritual Advisor – Reigning TA Champion
Rap to the tune of “Just Lose It – Eminem”
Guess who's back, back again?
WAGS are back, tell a friend
Now everyone report to the golf course
To the golf course, to the golf course
Now everyone report to the golf course Alright, stop
Turangi time
Come here lads and ladies, who is crap?
Who gave Chi that big handicap?
And I don't mean crap as in a bad day
Like shortest drive, that’s you Vijay (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
No worries, WAGS are gonna swing it with the boys
What else could we possibly do to make noise?
Maybe we could be able like Timmy Boyd
And that's not a stab at Gabriel
That's just a pool cue, Angels Smile
I hit the golf ball straight-ish sometimes
I get a little bit out of control with my lines
Good God, Tom, do you want to die?
Slow down, watch that bump and just drive up the center of the golf course
Like Bodhi on the 9th hole
and it’s cool if you let me throw
Nobody’s gonna know, who’d see it?
Give a little putt-putt, it's okay
Oops, my gimme just missed
And everyone just heard your fog horn rip
Now who is this bloody Lance, it’s your chance Yeah boy, show your ass
Oops, I mean Saull
Saull, Saull, Saull (Saull, it’s a family show)
Alright, now lose it (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Just lose it (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Go crazy (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
The Pines, The Pain
The pines, the pain
Respect to gain
Am feeling dusty
But shouldn’t be rusty
Blew the webs off yester
Today should be bester..
In theory.
This wig is niggly
These pockets jiggly
Gallery for first drive
The Maidens should thrive
We all blew out.
Only first hole. No biggie.
A minor setback
Can get back on track
What’s with the pool cues?
Surely it’s our’s to lose
Turns out we’re no pool sharks.
Snookered.
Should’ve had more lunch..
Another 3-putt gut punch
We’ll get it back
Only mildly off track..
Don’t waste those advantages
‘FAKE NEWS’
Still a ringer..
Cluster fuck.
Blue baby, (ah-ah), blue baby, baby (ah-ah)
Well, it's Friday and it's my day
Just to be free all the way to Sunday
Not 'El Monday, Vette’s for par-tay
Wishin’ I was just on holiday
Cruisin' down the fairway, feelin' kinda breezy
Check the scorecard and my heads blown
I don't know where I'm sittn’
All I know is I’mma not at the top please, not the bogey
Excuse me Chris, I don’t mean to sound like a jerk
But you need to beat Chi to end Friday’s work
We got Sam E now, screaming out it’s not fair
Get ready, for the Bongo showdown (Yeah)
Now what’s the contest? What’s the sign?
Circumactia pro Vic on five
Four (ah-ah), ambrosia time
Noone played that one right, too blind
Now who is this bloody Lance, it’s your chance
Yeah boy, show your ass
Oops, I mean Saull
Saull, Saull, Saull (Saull, it’s a family show)
Alright, now lose it (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Just lose it (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)Go crazy (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Blue baby, (ah-ah), blue baby, baby (ah-ah)
Well, it’s Rumble and he’s knocked out
Rob’s in pain and doesn’t know what happened
They say he’s skilled running and hitching
Down the street screaming (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
And the fifteenth, I don’t remember
All I know is this much, last to the green
They said “9 strokes, you need to hit the ball harder”
Tips from Warner so I won’t be the bogey
Now this is the part where the rap breaks down
It’s Howard’s day, 40 going down
Everyone heading out to 2 Mile now
Now focus man
Execute a plan
Just read a green
And strike it clean
Fark not again
Familiar pain
It’s not your fault
Of course it’s your fault.
Okay now 6 iron
You’re time to shine
Its time to bond
Of you I’m fond
Okay, not really
If I can just think clearly
Lets get creative!
Insert expletive
Wheel of fortune hole
Steve Parr was my hero
Although he hasn’t aged well
Might scramble a parr here?
That farkin air horn..
Getting twitchy now.
I found a blue ball
The current highlight
Things turning round?
Then straight out of bounds
Bugger.
C’mon man, concentrate.
Another ringer!
The tab comes back and everybody lose themselves
Now step back to reality, look it's P. Carter, yo, is that an empty bottle?
Who’s the worst dressed?
chatter-chatter-chatter-chatter-chatter-chatter-chatter
Green in 1, 2, 3 so start writing letters for the
Fellas (what?) fellas (what?)
Grab a blue ball, make your white one jealous (what?)
Black balls, white balls, yellow balls,
pink balls, green balls, blue balls
I'm calling all balls
Everyone report to the golf course,
it's your chance for a champion brag or
Some cheatng, it's the season
Just go (ah-ah-ah-ah), it's so appeasin'
Now who is this bloody Lance, it’s your chance
Yeah boy, show your ass
Oops, I mean Saull
Saull, Saull, Saull (Saull, it’s a family show)
Alright, now lose it (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Just lose it (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Go crazy (ah-ah-ah-ah-ah)
Blue baby, (ah-ah), blue baby, baby (ah-ah)
Nom-nom, not the bogey
Nom-nom-nom, not the bogey
Ooh boy, I’m not the bogey
I mean, fuck, I am the bogey
-Linda Loosley (captain of the Amateur WaGs, wife of the sole Life Time Member and no, he did not help me write this)
A real bum stinga
Speaking of, I’m chafing
This round now grating
‘Hey Mahns, ur losing’
It’s not confusing
Ur having a shocker
Another knee knocker
4 putt
That ball is wet
Geezus, reset!
3 holes to go
Just find some flow
Teleport?
Is this even sport?
Not teleported.
This rounds aborted
Where’s the beersies
Who farkin caresies
Bird song turns to scoff
This ones a write off
Didn’t go to plan..Now bogeyman
-Christopher Mahoney
Shared Bogey”man”
